I Get Upset So Easily This Time of Year

8.36am - I just got home from dropping my (almost) 2 year old son at his first full day of daycare. Let the judgement of other parents rain down on me because I am now a stay at home mum with a kid in daycare (*one day a week).

You heard right. But there's a lot
to this picture that you don't know. From the outside it looks like I'm a mum with a lot of spare time on her hands 'cause "oh my god, Becky she has time to write a blog." Bitches back up. I don't have time to write a blog. I make me-time to write a blog. Just over a year ago I  was saying to my friend, Karen, "I don't have time to write a blog, how do you find time to write a blog?" In fact, I said it to her so many times that her ears started to bleed and she wrote me a passive aggressive ("F*ck you Jess for making my ears bleed!") blog post. It's title? You'll never guess so I'll just tell you "When Do I Have Time to Blog." It really resonated with me for some reason.

Pretty tough to write anything with this busy dude around

I can't be certain she wrote that post for me but I'd like to think so. It gave me the swift kick in the tooshie I needed to do something that was just for me, just mine. All of it! My toddler is not allowed to mess this one thing up (although I do fear he'll someday jump on this computer and delete the entire thing by accident). Blogging has become an outlet for me. I was just coming out of my post natal depression (well, more anxiety than depression) and I needed this me-space so badly. Other mums will know, you not only lose your tight vagina the day you give birth (or perhaps your scar free tummy), you also lose little pieces of your identity. It's okay in the end though. You work through it. You discover and grow new parts to yourself you didn't have before like stretch marks, or extend on the lovely things that were in shorter supply before, like patience, love, and empathy. Ya know, the roses and honey shite. But you still need something that is just yours. For some it's going back to work. And for those of us who stay at home it's mopping any number of things. The point is, I found something that worked for me.

But here's where the shit hits the fan. I have run out of me-time. I am turning into an angrier person. I get more upset easily. I don't have time to listen to my husband tell me a stupid one minute story about the neighbour's cat. I miss out on all the little moments he wants to share with me because I just have no energy left at the end of the day for him, let alone me.This isn't new to us, him or me but every year it happens. Every year it's just as hard.

My husband has been studying for the entirety of our marriage - 9 years!!!! With only 1 or 2 years to go ...

Circa 2007, and he's usually not studying in a cafe

We used to joke that University was our baby because it took up so much of his time studying, and so much of my time taking care of all the house duties on my own. We joked that it robbed our sleep, haha, Just. Like. A. Baby... I'd bitch slap us so hard if I heard us saying that now. We just didn't know sleep deprivation then.

I can still remember exactly where I was when my husband told me he wanted to do further studies after he'd just graduated from University. We were in New Zealand, just the two of us, finally on vacation. Childless and care free. We went for an evening walk on the beach, and up onto the rocks in the old historical town of Russell. The sun was starting to set, the waves lapping the sand, and my romantic husband whispers in my ear "I was thinking about doing something called the CFA now that I'm done University." You can imagine how wet I got hearing those words (in the eyes of course, you pervert).

"What the f*ck is the CFA?" My initial reaction was to throw him off the rocks and watch his body bloody, as he hit into them with each passing wave. 6 years of him studying and working full time had really taken its toll on me. I longed for companionship. I had been looking forward to all the evenings and the weekends that would be completely ours once he finished his damn degree. I had been lonely for a long time. Eventually I calmed enough to listen to him, and really hear him out. I won't list all the reasons I changed my mind about him doing the CFA, just know they were pretty dang good if I eventually came around to the idea.

NZ 2011  - This was the actual time and spot he whispered that BS in my ear. As you can see I'm a gross exaggerator. 

The CFA stands for Chartered Financial Analyst. Do not let Dave hear you confuse this with Chartered Accountant, it's not the same. It takes 3 exams, one a year, to get your CFA qualifications. David says it makes university look like primary school. The first exam alone has a 68% fail rate. Summed up: it's hard, hard, and more hard. It can take more than the 3 years to finish because the failure rate is so high. Dave's exam is in June, like it always is. They aren't tested on anything else all year, just this one exam, (it goes from 9am to 5pm). It's all by correspondence, without any outside help. Every weeknight my husband studies, and one day every weekend he drives up to his office and studies there.

Dave will hate this photo of himself back in 2010, but it's a good reflection of how tired he gets! 

That means for one hour and fifteen minutes every evening our son has him being dad, and Dave is awesome at it. The rest of the time it's just me, on my own, ya know - slinging toddler poo, getting down with my toddler and throwing ourselves on the floor in tantrums of hysteria, singing wiggles songs, playing in the park, making up games, force feeding him food, and cleaning and cooking and then repeating.

You can see why there's not a lot of time for Dave and I to talk at the end of the day.

I get teary just thinking about it, because I am so worn down right now. But I knew this was coming. It's less than two months until exam time. This is the hardest time for our relationship. It's the time we need to work our hardest to be kind to each other, and give the absolute most of ourselves in all areas of our lives, even when we are both tapped out. I can't imagine how Dave does it. He's so time poor but he still tries so hard to make up for all the time he spends away from us both. Regardless, my love tank goes on empty right now. I get a bit sad, and introspective, moody, and sensitive. And lonely.

I know this will pass, and by June our ships will be sailing at full mast again. Our bed will be rocking, or we'll just be getting up at 2 am with our kid like always. 

It's just hard TODAY, and tomorrow... But it won't always be.

Circa 2010 - This is where he spends most of his time when he is home. There's a lot more Frankie posters on the wall these days. It's also where I'm writing from right now.

So to make right now easier on both of us we've given me a toddler free day. 6 days a week with a toddler by myself is tough - (we covered that right?)! I had to get over the guilt of childcare. We are both from huge families with hard working mamas so there's lot's of this guilt when you only have one child to care for. I didn't want to tell you this for fear of judgement. But I got over it and so should you. This is our little family and this is what we have to do to keep us together right now. This is how we will get through this Dave-deprived time.

Now if we could just find a solution for getting our kid to sleep through the night ...

I want more of this - March 2008

PS. I totally just went out on a date with my husband for lunch and feel so much better for it! We sat through the whole thing without alternating between spills, Peppa Pig, and screaming. Like real adults. Well I did scream a little, but only because the sweet potato chips were amazeballs.  The best part is that we actually got to communicate without interruption. Hello healthier marriage!

Is this the part where I post a vibrator ad? Just me promoting whatever gets you through a dry spell?

*Linked up with Essentially Jess for I Blog on Tuesdays