Tuesday, April 21, 2015

My Mom Gave Me a Vibrator

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When I was in grade 12 I was given my first rubber duck by my then-boyfriend. What had started up as an inside joke between a small group of friends escalated to a huge quack-erry in my bedroom, (yes, I just made that word up, and yes - you can totally borrow it). I don't even remember what the inside joke was about but it was probably stupid and really immature. God only knows we were.



Things went so far with our duck joke that I made that boyfriend a duck video for his birthday. Our friends went to the local mall and filmed the duck in different locations, and interviewed people about the duck. Somehow our crazy friend, we'll call Mr Dickson, heard about what we were doing and took over. What happened next? A duck was thrown on to the chess board of some nerds in the school library. Their game was destroyed. I hate bullying so it made me sad. But it also made me run away in shock, with a serious case of the giggles. And it made for funny TV viewing. [You have to understand that back then Comedian Tom Green was a 17 year old's hero. We didn't have YouTube showing us other teenager asshole antics].


I couldn't believe how fast my duck collection grew. It wasn't something I'd even planned. I never went out of my way to own any rubber ducks. It just happened to me, like growing boobs (wait - did that ever really happen to me?). I was given a duck candle, pyjamas, lunch box, stuffed animals, a shower curtain, thongs (flip-flops), and of course tons of the little rubber ducks. Birthday presents were no longer something I could look forward to. They all ended in DUCK.
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That is until my 19th birthday. 19 is a big deal in Vancouver, Canada. It's the legal drinking age.
I had planned to have a nice birthday dinner with my family, and then head out to a pub with one of my 20 year old friends. I sat down to dinner with my very young siblings, and my mum. She was ultra-conservative Christian, (we usually had bible readings after each dinner). We had our meal and birthday cake, and then it was time for gifts. I opened a couple. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Mostly things my mum had bought at a major discount that had no relevance to my life at the time, like the portable paper cutter I so dearly love now. That was until I opened this...

Over the period of 1 year from 1999-2000 I was a passenger in 4 car accidents, and suffered quite badly (and still do) from chronic pain. My mum innocently bought this "massager" thinking I could use it for my back pain, while relaxing in the tub. My brother in-law was sitting beside me when I opened my gift. We looked at each other and burst out laughing. We couldn't contain ourselves. At the time, this duck came in a box that said things like "lot's of bath time fun" and "soothing vibrations." It took my mum a moment to figure out why we were laughing. Then she got angry.
"Oh Jessie, I can't believe you. You're disgusting. Turning something innocent into ... I know what you're thinking. You need to stop!"
"What? Mum? I didn't even say anything. Thank you. It's a lovely gift I replied." Still snickering away.
"That's it! You don't get to keep this present. I'm taking it away." She fumed.
My little brothers sat at the table completely silent. Scary silent. Why was mum getting so mad at Jess over a rubber duck, they wondered. My mum grabbed the duck and sat it on top of the piano.

But you know I left the house that night with my brand new massaging duck, right? There was no way the best piece of my duck collection was going back to the store. Don't worry, my mum can laugh with me about this story now. I just get more "oh Jessies!" and rolling of the eyes.

I'll leave you with this: I laughed so hard when I found this video of a duck collection on YouTube. Firstly, because it goes for 10 minutes - ain't nobody got time for that! Secondly, because the person filming uses their stuffed  animal dog to explain the collection. And thirdly, because they play wicked-cool elevator music throughout the video. What's not to love about that.


Have you ever been a collector?



23 comments:

  1. The title of your post had me snickering before I even clicked on it- hilarious!

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  2. How hilarious. My mother has given me some questionable gifts over the years but nothing on this scale.

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  3. Lol. Thanks for the cackle! I had to read this post after reading that heading! x

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  4. Oh to have been a fly on the wall at that birthday dinner!! Awesome ;)

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  5. HA!! Well, what else could I call it? My duck collection? Who wants to read that. haha

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  6. Oh I'd love to hear about them. Does your mum love a bargain too?

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  7. Too good to be true - OH but it is true! @HandbagMafia

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  8. Oh bless!! That's really cute but also horrifying and scarring. Your mum must have been mortified! I get giggly whenever I see "shoulder massagers" and other hand held vibrating "therapeutic" devices - especially when they're in the homes of older ladies.

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  9. HA!!! @Lauren @ the-thud.com I had to return a big broken massager to Kmart. The women there looked so suss on me. But I really promise that I only used it on my back. When I can't afford a massage or get in to my masseuse I have to use that.

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  10. Bahaha! So hilarious! I love the randomness of this post!! X

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  11. Isn't it funny how a random one off joke can stick and all of a sudden people think that you are crazy in love with it. Your mum must have been mortified when she realised. So funny!

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  12. Hilarious Jess. Love reading your stories!

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  13. Oh my God! I can just imagine your mum being red faced over that. Such good intentions, bless her. Four accidents in the period of a year is a lot. I hope your back doesn't give you too much grief now. #teamIBOT

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  14. I have to say I'm smiling from ear to ear - but your poor mumma! And all those accidents, boo. I used to collect rubbers! That's what we call erasers in New Zealand......... xx

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  15. Bahhahhahahaahahahah! Is it weird that I want one? OK. No need to answer that...

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  16. Your first photo is hilarious! Great story.

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  17. I love this! Now where can I get one...!?

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  18. I love it :) This made me LOL in real life (and I don't lol online usually). Good old ducky.
    I have an quite extensive teapot collection, although I have never bought one for myself. Now everyone thinks that that is my "thing", and I get teapot bookends, tea towels, oven timers etc. I do rather love my collection, and the last one that I received has a Melways map of Melbourne on it. Yay!
    Dani @ sand has no home

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  19. Very cute. My daughter loves ducks and has a growing duck collection. I had a think for bananas when I was growing up.

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  20. Hahah that is hilarious. Every knows that personal massager is weird code for vibrator.. don't they?
    Tegan xx - Permanent Procrastination

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  21. That is so funny. You still have it don't you? :)

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