Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Dog Lovers Who Don't Care If You Step In Dog Shit



I could be alone in this but I think there's nothing better than stepping in poo. I'm quite picky on the type though. It has to have come out of the pink anus of a dog! No other kind will do, unfortunately. I really love how you can never quite get it off either; not unless you take your shoe home and give the sole a good scrub under the tap. I'm so glad that wiping my foot on grass or dead leaves just won't get rid of the smell. It will stay with me for hours. It will follow me like that pathetic, pimply boy in high school who just couldn't get a clue. It will get inside my car and eat away any shred of fresh air it can find until all that's left is it's filthy, dirty, stench. Mmmmmmmm. And I love it!

If, by some chance, there is someone out there just like me, then please get in touch. I can totally be of assistance. I have a friend who we will call Crapallova. She is just on standby waiting for me  to call; she said "anytime you find someone else who enjoys the ripe, crisp smell of booty cakes you just let me know. I'll send my puppy over to pop out a pencil present on their lawn for them."
Isn't she generous? I think so.


In all seriousness though, have you ever wondered what this type of person looks like? The type of person that let's their dog go to the toilet in public, or on your property, and then just walks away ...

Here you go...

Meet Ms Crapallova




You're welcome.





Now you know the type.



This bitch let's her bitch crap nasties on your yard. 






And all over your sidewalks ...
Image credit
I was speaking with Crapallova last night about how annoyed I was to be walking on the breakwall yesterday with my son and trying to avoid the dog poo on the path. That's my two feet, and four wheels trying to avoid satan's chocolate. It wasn't like the brown dragons were just in one place either. This dog has done a crap 'n walk! Bloody minefield.

 Crapallova is a dog owner so I thought I'd have a sympathetic ear on this subject. Instead she told me how ridiculous I was. That I should just side step the poo and get over it.
Our argument probably went on for 15 minutes and became very heated. It ended with me threatening to leave my son's shit on her yard as a gift for her lazy dog owner attitude.
She deserved it! Although the irony is that I got poo on my finger in the process ...
I used this story in my argument. For months there were fresh butt nuggets left on my lawn by some unknown. I drove up in my driveway one day and saw the culprit, (singular because it's not the dog's fault his owner is a lazy twat). The man was walking away from the scene like nothing happened. I caught up to him and asked him to clean it up and he said it wasn't theirs. I explained how I had witnessed the whole incident. Then he looked at me and said "WELL, do you have something for me to clean it up with then." Because clearly that was my responsibility. 

Shouldn't have been born?
I explained to Crapallova that if I want to mow my lawns I have to clean up the colon cannonballs first so they don't go all through my mower and all over the yard. She just kept yelling over the top of me that it was "fertiliser, fertiliser, FERTILISER!!!!" Nope, not really. It's untreated so ... nice try. You're dumb. I really think it's up to me what kind of fertiliser goes on my yard and how it's administered anyway, Crapallova. Evolve please.

Recently, my husband and I were driving around downtown when we rolled past another man walking his dogs away from their fresh, steaming dingleberries. I rolled down the window and called out to him. "Hey, your dog just pooped on the footpath." 
"No, he didn't," was the reply.
"Yes he did!" I yelled back. (What's with all the denial?)

We drove on as I saw the man walk back to the poop and pick it up. Winning! But my husband seemed rather embarrassed by my public outburst. Hey - I can't be the only one who says something when they see a dog's anal-butter all over the ground?

If you want to own a pet and tell me you understand the love I have for my baby because that's the same way you feel about your pet, then do what I do -

  Clean up after them! 

And if that's just too hard for you because you're a lazy son of a bitch then just buy one of these. 
Image credit

36 comments:

  1. Omg that poo trap!!!!
    I have 2 dogs and am amazed how many people do not pick up after theirs. My next door neighbour has a dog and a cat that are allowed to wander. Well they both like to wander into my front yard from time to time to take advantage of my giant lawn toilet!!! Nice how they know to use my lawn instead of theirs lol.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm snorting and having a fit of giggles here at all the terms for dog crap you've come up with. I agree, though, clean the eff up after your dog!! So lazy and inconsiderate!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey Jess, thanks for the chuckle. I've stepped in you know what more times than I care to remember too and you're soooooo right, it sure doesn't come off easily!

    ReplyDelete
  4. So I decided to read some blogs over lunch. Bad idea.
    Only kidding. Totally with you. For the record I'm a responsible dog owner who picks up after my two big pooches. Those who don't unfortunately give all of us a bad name.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lolol this post got so harsh, love it! It's gross, I don't understand why people can't clean up after their dog, they don't let their kid shit everywhere do they?

    Tegan xx - Permanent Procrastination

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Permanent Procrastination Lucky my friend also has the most fantastic sense of humour or I would be missing out on a really good one. She's heaps of fun and I wouldn't give her up for a bit of poop. haha!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh, SORRY! Didn't think about all of you people eating breaky and lunch while reading this. It's gross any time though. There's never a good time for dog poo. Am I right. haha! Thank you for picking up after your pooches!

    ReplyDelete
  8. My mum was in denial once that she was the one stinking up our car. She wouldn't check her shoe until we got out of the car. Oh it was gross. We had windows down in the car ride in winter, in Canada.

    ReplyDelete
  9. @HandbagMafia Tell me your best dog poo name and you get a treat. haha j/k

    ReplyDelete
  10. That makes me so mad. We had a few neighbourhood cats do that too. One of them thought the gravel under our old house was kitty litter. The stale pee smell would waft in through the back door....another post ...

    ReplyDelete
  11. Natalie @ Our Parallel ConnectMay 5, 2015 at 6:58 PM

    I hate picking u after my dog ... Do I get the kids to do it... Lol

    ReplyDelete
  12. OMFG I almost lost my dinner in a combination of hysterical laughter and dry retching. BAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA! That picture of you and the nappy! Hahahahhahah!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Pooing on a footpath or a public space or in a person's yard is just rude! I can't believe people don't tidy that up! Isn't it the law now?

    ReplyDelete
  14. You tell 'em sister! I was always so relieved to make it home from walking the dog without him feeling the need to poo.

    Leaving some fairy wishes and butterfly kisses from #teamIBOT

    ReplyDelete
  15. Jess, you are very talented at the art of making up other words for dog poop. I'm impressed!

    ReplyDelete
  16. This post is absolutely hysterical! So many refreshing new names for poo (pun completely intended, I can smell the freshness now.) Seriously- thanks for making me giggle today. BTW your friend is going to kill you- maybe you should gather some ammo in the form of butt nuggets to prep for her strike. I got my last dog when I was a shitty, 21-year-old, Uni student and I friggin came home from the bar, drunk, to walk her...ALWAYS with plastic baggies in hand (every once in a while she would choose to spread out her piles and sometimes I ran out of bags, and subsequently ran away from the scene of the crime but it was rare I tell you! Rare!)

    ReplyDelete
  17. I hate changing poopy nappies too. Actually we dog sat at Christmas and the dog did a crap'nwalk and it was extremely hard to pick up!

    ReplyDelete
  18. You've always just eaten when you read my posts. haha! I'm glad you like my selfie! Skills! Except for getting my finger in the poop ...

    ReplyDelete
  19. If it is the law then it's a good think I blanked out my friend's eyes and changed her name!

    ReplyDelete
  20. When I was dog-sitting I was relieved to find a bin so I didn't have to walk with his poop wafting up at me. So gross. @AParentingLife

    ReplyDelete
  21. @Renee at Mummy, Wife, Me Thank you. You should see some of my other skills. haha

    ReplyDelete
  22. Even drunk women pick up after their dogs! You're awesome @Dawn Rieniets!
    I'm glad you liked the post. MY friend has the best sense of humour and when I told her I was writing this her text message back was "bahahahaha!"

    ReplyDelete
  23. I am a dog owner and I would be horrified if I didn't pick it up. Yes, it's a shitty job (pun intended) but you just do it.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Always got a plastic bag or two in my pocket, when I'm walking my twin poopy puppies! It makes me so cranky when people don't clean up after their dogs, especially when I'm walking along the beachfront.
    You're a crack-up, chick x

    ReplyDelete
  25. Lizzing LightlyMay 8, 2015 at 3:29 PM

    How hard is it to grab a few extra bags every time you are at the park? Or bring some plastic shopping bags from home? There needs to be more calling it on this.. or more forced poo traps for offending owners :-) I'm pretty sure if owners were threatened with having to put one of them on as punishment they would start paying more attention straight away. Full disclosure: I have two dogs and I make sure I pick up every time. One is a crap n walk (thanks for providing the lingo - I just called it really annoying until now) and the other a straight up simple one but he spins numerous times before starting... haha gotta love dogs and their personalities

    ReplyDelete
  26. Robyna@theMummyandtheMinxMay 9, 2015 at 3:00 PM

    So funny. Our local dog park has a few poo police. They kindly stand exactly where your dog has toileted so that you know exactly where to pick your dog's poo. And they are pretty vocal about you doing it straight away. Crapallova wouldn't stand a chance.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh this is hysterical!! I had no idea there were so many names for dog poo! Where have I been? I'm a dog owner and I always carry plastic bags when I take him for a walk. I don't understand lazy dog owners (nor horse owners for that matter). We live in a rural area and have had people riding their horses along the footpath of the kid's school and the horse drops a huge, sloppy horse poo right where the kids walk and off they gallop. It stays there for weeks until the rain comes and washes it away. Geesh!!!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I cannot stand people who can't clean up after their dogs! I have a senseless, inconsiderate neighbour upstairs who let their yappy dog crap all over our backyard. Just so rude! Don't worry about the public outbursts! Those lazy idiots can't clean up after their dog's mess they should at least deserve to be left embarrassed!

    ReplyDelete
  29. That was one of the number one reasons my bestie in Canada moved out of her basement suite I'm sure. The neighbours above her let their dog do the same, they went from hanging out back there before they had moved in to never again. Minefield!

    ReplyDelete
  30. @Deb Baker I've come across horse poo on the breakwall here, from police horses after a music festival. I thought that was pretty low. Can't they fine you and your horse for that? Same rules don't apply. I don't really know, just talking out my arse. At least I'm not pooping through right!!

    ReplyDelete
  31. @Robyna@theMummyandtheMinx Comedian Kitty Flanagan discusses this very thing in her latest comedy show. It's hilarious. I wonder if you can youtube it?

    ReplyDelete
  32. @Lizzing Lightly HA!!!! Soooo funny that I gave you lingo. Crap n walk. I can die now. Clearly my work here on earth is done. haha!
    So just to be clear you were talking about the owners having to wear a poo trap or the dog? I think either trick might work.
    I just gave a bag to a man yesterday who forgot his and I don't even own a dog. Just a human.

    ReplyDelete
  33. @Lisa @ Random Acts Of Zen Thank you for being a kind and caring human being, and picking up after your puppies! YES!!! We clearly need more people like you in the world!

    ReplyDelete
  34. @Malinda maybe the only people who can get away with this (and it's a very thin, thin line) is a very pregnant woman still suffering from severe morning sickness. Because really ..it's either her vomit or dog poo. Which one is better? BUT really, you can just carry a bag for either. I carried bags with me when I was pregnant for that reason.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I was thinking the dog but I think re-offenders should be expected to wear the trap, haha... imagine that! Yes, you can relax now - i finally have a name for my dogs pooping activities :-)

    ReplyDelete