If, by some chance, there is someone out there just like me, then please get in touch. I can totally be of assistance. I have a friend who we will call Crapallova. She is just on standby waiting for me to call; she said "anytime you find someone else who enjoys the ripe, crisp smell of booty cakes you just let me know. I'll send my puppy over to pop out a pencil present on their lawn for them."
Isn't she generous? I think so.
In all seriousness though, have you ever wondered what this type of person looks like? The type of person that let's their dog go to the toilet in public, or on your property, and then just walks away ...
Here you go...
Meet Ms Crapallova
Now you know the type.
This bitch let's her bitch crap nasties on your yard.
And all over your sidewalks ...
I was speaking with Crapallova last night about how annoyed I was to be walking on the breakwall yesterday with my son and trying to avoid the dog poo on the path. That's my two feet, and four wheels trying to avoid satan's chocolate. It wasn't like the brown dragons were just in one place either. This dog has done a crap 'n walk! Bloody minefield.
Crapallova is a dog owner so I thought I'd have a sympathetic ear on this subject. Instead she told me how ridiculous I was. That I should just side step the poo and get over it.
Our argument probably went on for 15 minutes and became very heated. It ended with me threatening to leave my son's shit on her yard as a gift for her lazy dog owner attitude.
I used this story in my argument. For months there were fresh butt nuggets left on my lawn by some unknown. I drove up in my driveway one day and saw the culprit, (singular because it's not the dog's fault his owner is a lazy twat). The man was walking away from the scene like nothing happened. I caught up to him and asked him to clean it up and he said it wasn't theirs. I explained how I had witnessed the whole incident. Then he looked at me and said "WELL, do you have something for me to clean it up with then." Because clearly that was my responsibility.
|Shouldn't have been born?|
I explained to Crapallova that if I want to mow my lawns I have to clean up the colon cannonballs first so they don't go all through my mower and all over the yard. She just kept yelling over the top of me that it was "fertiliser, fertiliser, FERTILISER!!!!" Nope, not really. It's untreated so ... nice try. You're dumb. I really think it's up to me what kind of fertiliser goes on my yard and how it's administered anyway, Crapallova. Evolve please.
Recently, my husband and I were driving around downtown when we rolled past another man walking his dogs away from their fresh, steaming dingleberries. I rolled down the window and called out to him. "Hey, your dog just pooped on the footpath."
"No, he didn't," was the reply.
"Yes he did!" I yelled back. (What's with all the denial?)
We drove on as I saw the man walk back to the poop and pick it up. Winning! But my husband seemed rather embarrassed by my public outburst. Hey - I can't be the only one who says something when they see a dog's anal-butter all over the ground?
If you want to own a pet and tell me you understand the love I have for my baby because that's the same way you feel about your pet, then do what I do -
Clean up after them!
And if that's just too hard for you because you're a lazy son of a bitch then just buy one of these.