Tuesday, July 7, 2015

3 Times You Should Put a Leash on Your Kid

 1) USE A LEASH: Going to the zoo
We drove the 2.5 hours to Taronga Zoo on Charlie's 2nd birthday. This is the whole family sitting in one of those sky gondola's that take you right over the zoo, with the incredible view of  the Sydney city skyline all around us - which you can't see because I forgot our selfie-stick.

Having his first Mcdonald's experience. A hash brown. Why? Potato.
[Warning: Hashbrown consumption may lead to further hash use in future]
I don't really have a good excuse for my kid eating Maccas but it's only going to happen about once a year so don't get your other veggies in a mandoline over it. 

When we arrived at the zoo we tried to just keep Charlie within arms reach of us and the pram. That lasted the blink of baboon's butt-hole. The brand new "fun" monkey "backpack" I had bought the day before came out and was in full effect within the first five minutes of arriving. Judge me all you want for using one but my kid is alive today because I cared enough to put his leash on apply his safety harness. You know he could have been Croc-Chow or Lion-Laksa or, better still, Elephant-Mush if we hadn't. If you still take issue with leashes then I invite you to give birth to a busy-ass toddler and take him to a big city zoo and see how long you last. Have fun with that. And while you're at it you can read this funny post from Karen at Yellow Dandy about the first time she put her son in a leash backpack.

 He just cannot smile with sun in his eyes? Why? What's his problem?
Perform, child.
 He's obsessed with saying 'O' right now. He figured out a letter of the alphabet and he's sticking with it.
 You can see in this photo that Charlie's fun was not compromised by wearing his fun "backpack." Until he got stuck in the monkey head-hole ...
 This was nap time. Charlie does not sleep in a pram, on a lamb,  or with a ham. It's a sham. Notice his leash  backpack also acts as a soft toy pillow.  If only he would bloody use it and sleep.
At this point we are wondering if we bit off more than we can chew with a cranky toddler in the pram who wasn't sleeping. But because we are FABULOUS we still managed a great scenic couple shot. Caption this photo with what you think we are thinking. 

My masterpiece unveiled. Muhahaha. They don't call me Professor Cake for nothing. This glorious cake is entitled 'Pirate candles swimming in a sea of blue jelly beans.' I'm sorry to disappoint my avid readers but I will be keeping this cake triumph as an artists' secret.

 2) USE A LEASH: Going to any kind of garden that makes you pay to go inside.

We went to the Hunter Valley Gardens, which is currently throwing a snow fest within it's flowering walls.

Look at Dave, standing there, thinking about what a sh*t-head he is for letting me forget the leash. 
We paid for my mistake for the rest of the day...
 Like when we wanted to stop our son from playing in the pieces of ice scraped off the bottom of an icerink snow.
 Or when we fantasised about pulling him around the ice-rink by his monkey harness, just for fun. "Fly monkey, fly... Awww, just like in the Wizard of Oz."
 Damnit, I hate hand holding, where's the leash. 
There he is forming an "O" again. This kid is a genius. I swear we'll be getting invites to Sesame Street for their 'Letter of the Day' segments soon. 
This was brought to you by the number 2.
Then there was the time I tried to force him to ride the giant orange rat around the ice rink.
Ok. He loved it...
 and it's a seal.

Please try to understand how comical it is to a Canadian Australian to go out onto a ice rink with so many adults clinging for dear life on the sides. I felt like a f*cking olympian figure skater. I wondered a few times how hilarious it would be for those around me to watch me fall on the ice while wearing my big red Canadian sweatshirt. It was a great incentive to stay alert and on my skates I can assure you. I skated with fierce determination, and  maybe even a little bit of flair. I also narrowly avoided several falling children near my skates; one look at me had them fearing for their short, little lives.
I was unstoppable (Image Credit)
I noted there was no Zamboni taking to the ice between sessions, and an expert like me could tell. My snobby, indignant Canadian-self got a little bit upset at the big gouges in the ice that were not only unsightly to the eye but also dangerous. Alas, Australians love living dangerously and are often advised to keep their mullets away from paper shredders. But do they listen? Potato.

3) Lastly, USE A LEASH any time you fear you may lose your child,  or that they will run into traffic or large bodies of water.

Don't worry about being judged. We had tons of stares at Taronga Zoo but our kid's safety and  ability to still have fun (outside his pram), were our main concerns. Plus, not everyone was staring because they were judging, one woman just wanted to know where we bought ours so she could get one. (This would be a great time to plug Toys "R" Us but I won't do it).


  1. Hey, check it out! I can comment! I had a runner and got a leash after a very stressful near miss, and we used it once but then he didn't like it, so I had to carry him everywhere. You'd hold his hand and he'd take off with amazing strength, so the only way to stop him was to get those feet off the ground!! Terrifying!

  2. Back in the day when my kids were toddlers (you know, the dark ages of ohhhh 17-18 years ago) I was able to get a "toddler tether" - a leash thingy that went from my wrist to theirs and their end was hard to get out of. My husband hated me using that thing. I insisted that if I was going to go out and bring our children back home again that this was a must-have. I had a baby and a 17 month old who like to run away. You bet I was using that toddler tether. She could run beside me and the pram I was pushing and she couldn't go far. And no one could take her. We didn't have harnesses disguised a cute backpacks back then. How brilliant is that?!

  3. OMG Jess, you are hilarious. You really are. I'm still laughing at he won't sleep in a pram, on a lamb, with a ham, what a sham! Love your work, lady :) #teamIBOT

  4. My big girl was a runner so we used the leash a lot - airports especially!! Anywhere there are xars. Or animals. Or people. Just anywhere really ;)

  5. I am so lucky that I don't have a runner. He's full of energy but he's not a runner. However we did still use a harness back pack when walking to the bus stop because he's a day dreamer who wouldn't watch where he was going. I'd much rather have someone judge me (and I have had someone scream at me while he was in it) than have him hit by a car. I also don't understand the thought process people have that it's shameful and parents do it to embarrass their kid. I put a leash on my kid for the same reason I put one on my dog...because I love them and don't want to see them get hurt.

  6. Judgers gonna judge. Douchebags. Do what works for you and yours! My 2 year old has been worn in a sling since birth. So she is happy to walk but loves being back-carrier as well. Works for us. If she was a runner I'd use a lead!

  7. Im all for leashes. Pretty sure we'll be using one because madam is quite independent and likes to let go of our hand and try to make a run for it any chance she gets. She's getting better at holding hands but has no sense of fear when she darts off so I think we'll be getting one for our own peace of mind. People can judge me all they want.

  8. Tempted to leash my 9 month old now... shes alwyas trying to escape me, pretty sure she'll be a nightmare when she's a toddler lol

  9. You're lucky! When I attempted this with my boys they plonked onto their bum wailing and refused to get back up!

  10. I honestly am all for the cute monkey backpack leashes. Have you seen how many people there are at zoos and theme parks?? I don't even have kids yet and i'm already scared of losing them!

    My parents used to use this little harness leash for when I was on the trampoline, they could watch me bounce around and yank me back before I jumped over the edge accidentally.

    Tegan xx - Permanent Procrastination

    Btw check out my sweet Lightbox Giveaway if you haven’t already!

  11. No judgement from me whatsoever! If you've never parented a kid that runs, wanders or disappears in the blink of an eyelid you can STFU with your petty judgements. My first was like that. My second was like velcro and never leaves my side of his own accord. I don't need a leash for this kid. I need a crowbar. Point is - different kids. Same parent.

  12. Airports are great places for them too. I used one all the time in big airports because they have been on a plane and they just want to run!

  13. Bahhahahhah! My kid generally did one of two things 1) pull the opposite way or 2) slump on the floor of Coles like a dead fish. LOL. Super embarrassing either way.

  14. Jess is ALWAYS hilarious!

  15. Natalie @ Our Parallel ConnectJuly 7, 2015 at 6:55 PM

    This is great... I am so glad I don't need to worry about this anymore but I am always watching other people's kids and smiling inside...

  16. I don't judge you at all! I think they're a great idea. Love all the photos and cracking up at the way this has been written! X

  17. Haha :) We don't have a leash/harness thing yet but I was jsut saying to my partner a few days ago that the time is coming when we will need to get one, except it won't be a cutesy little plush monkey, it will be the full Houdini gear to stop our little boy running off.

  18. Bahahaha - my eldest always stayed close of his own risk-adverse self, but I think the youngest may need a little backpack for his safety and my sanity.

  19. I think a leash is far preferable to losing a child. Boys in particular are runners! Great photos and hilarious commentary :)

  20. I wish my son could wear a leash. I have one and everything. But he refuses to walk in a straight line so I end up being dragged all over the place like I'm the one on the leash or like I'm trying to control a savage dog. I'm glad it works for you!

  21. Proud leash user here too! We have a cute monkey one that doubles as a back pack... The only way he would wear it was if he could put his water bottle in the back pack section... worked a treat and we trekked all over Hawaii with it. Lots of stare bears though! xx

  22. I was a runner. I think that I will have runner children. And seeing as they are only 17 months apart I fear that wearing a 'safety tether' is going to be for their safety - so they don't run off and get hit by a car, or lost, or kidnapped. I am all for the 'leash' {although I will be referring to it as a safety tether'}.

  23. I guess I just feel really cheeky calling it a leash. There's a part of me that feels like I'm being rebellious using one so I'm like "HERE I AM WORLD! Stuff you!!! I love my kid!!"

  24. It's creepy how many people stare, or take sneaky photos and post them to Instagram with out you knowing. I was saying to my husband how much more fun all 3 of us had having him on it. It's like he realised the boundaries and could focus better instead of being all over the place all at once. You're very brave going to Hawaii with a toddler. I hope it was still fun and possibly romantic at times. Haha

  25. Sounds like your puppy, I mean child, needs child obedience lesions. I know a good trainer. JUST KIDDING!!! Haha. Charlie tried dragging me the other day. I just came to a full stop.
    Have you tried playing go go stop with The Thud to get him to walk where you want him to go. It's really helped us heaps. And it's one of the few things that's easy for Charlie to say.

  26. Thanks Pinky. That means heaps coming from someone as hilarious as yourself! Glad I have so many blessings to go forth and continue using it!

  27. I heard if you have a stay-close one the first time then you'll have a runner the next. There's some scientific law there, I reckon. Haha.

  28. I know what you mean :) It's a bit like 'stuff you, judgy mcjudge judge - I'm doing this to keep my child safe'.