Wednesday, December 23, 2015

PKM Does The Sound of Music

*Disclosure: This post is sponsored by Nuffnang and The Sound of Music
Theatre photography © 2015 Dip/Cos by James Morgan 

This past Sunday I was given the opportunity to see The Sound of Music on the Capitol Theatre stage in Sydney; featuring Amy Lehpamer as Maria, and Cameron Daddo as Captain Von Trapp.

I may have been just a tad excited about seeing the Von Trapps live...

Monday, December 21, 2015

Dating Mike Dyson - The Blow By Blow Account

* Disclosure: Dyson gifted this vacuum to me to try and review; however, all opinions, ridiculous antics and tender moments are my own. 
Photography by Raj Kanogia 

Step 1:  Find the Dyson V6 of your dreams on the dating app Tinder and make contact

Step 2: Meet for your first date in a well lit, public place (because there's so many weirdos online. Am I right, ladies?).

Exception to the rule: I normally wouldn't recommend kissing on the first date but this was love at first sight

 Step 3: Make sure he compliments you: Mike told me he loves a woman with confidence and that's what drew him to me on Tinder.

Step 4: If the date is going well take him up on his offer to move on to another well lit, public place. I chose a cafe.

Step 5: A great way to gage your date's intellect is to find out if he like to stay on top of current events. 

 Step 6: Don't order for your date. I made that mistake. 

 Step 7: Don't wait for him to call you to go on a second date. Don't play games or wait by the phone. If you had a great time then give him a call. We caught up for a cheese platter and a plate of glitter a week later.

Step 8: Be yourself. I'm extremely hilarious. Here you can see me pretending to feed Mike a cherry even though he can't and we both know it. 

But he can pop mine. HA!

Golly! Gee-whiz, that was fun! Time for a re-charge.
 Step 9: Don't be afraid to try new things. For us it was all about the powerful suction.

Be spontaneous -We just threw things off and went for it. 

  Is that your cord I feel. Oh no, you're completely cordless. You've had a cordcumcision?

Step 10: Cover your tracks and make sure you lock the door. Whoops!

Seriously though: 

How does the Dyson V6 Absolute compare to my old $50 Diablo Vacuum?
Well, I would never have taken the Diablo to bed with me for starters. Secondly, the Diablo died on me in August right when I was cleaning up the study from a complete renovation so he isn't even around for a side by side comparison. I don't miss dragging his heavy ass around the house or his lack of powerful suction. I don't think I even knew what great suction was until I used to V6 Absolute. It's like a rebellious teen vs a sweet young adult; I was forcing my other vacuum to clean up while this new Dyson says "what else can I help you with?"

How has the Dyson changed my life? (I'm not exaggerating)!
My friend told me months ago that I needed a V6 Absolute, that it would change my life. I mentioned in another post that I have chronic pain and that cleaning and parenting is very painful everyday. I always put off vacuuming and mopping because I would pay for it the rest of the week. Pre-baby I even used to pay a friend to come once a month and vacuum and mop for me. But now my house is cleaner than ever because whenever there's a mess I just grab this lightweight Dyson and clean it up then and there, in a matter of seconds. No physical pain. No fiddling with the cord or hose, or dragging the red-beast behind me.
Vacuuming is no longer a big, difficult event for me.

What can the Dyson V6 do (besides me)?
It all comes apart with easy clicks. There is an attachment for: 
  • floors,
  • carpet
  • car or your mattress
  • the ceiling.
  • tiny crevices, and dusting too
It can pretty much clean anywhere. I used it on my deck yesterday to clean up all the crumbs left behind from a play date. It took me less than half the time it would to sweep the deck.

I made a short, little video to show you how freaking awesome it sucked in my dirty house

What's the battery life like? Using the two larger heads (floors and carpet) it can last up to 16 minutes, and on 'MAX' mode it can last 6 minutes but sucks a freaking shit load (as you can see in the rug cleaning part of my video)! It may not sound like a lot of time but it's suction is incredible on that higher volume.
  • With the attachment you see me use on my mattress can last 17 minutes.
  • And it can last 20 minutes using the attachments for tiny crevices, and dusting.
Does the short battery life bother me? It only did when I first got my Dyson because I wanted to keep trying it on everything but had to wait the 3.5hours for it to charge. But now that my house is all vacuumed, it's so simple for me to stay on top of my vacuuming like never before. It really is so easy compared to the massive chore it used to be.  Can I emphasise that enough?

I honestly love that this baby is cordless and hose-less too.

Would I spend $899 on this vacuum knowing what I know now? Abso-f*cking-lute-ly!! 
It changed my life and that's worth everything. But I would buy it at Costco instead for approximately $750 because I'm all about getting the best price on everything. You're welcome.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

The Grand Opening Of The Vulvarian Cult

The following post is completely tongue in cheek. You've been warned so calm yourself. It's full of what could be construed as misandry (reverse misogyny). But really, PKM loves men. This brochure of sorts came about from a drunken girls night, where we jokingly discussed how we could take care of each other better if we all just lived together and just used our men for sex. Admittedly a ridiculous cult. You can blame my friend Mia. Or thank her.

Welcome to our beautiful commune, Vulvaria. We have a wonderful property set on 10 acres of lush wilderness, perched on the edge of lake Femme. We are a women only community but men do reside on the property (*at a reasonable distance). Our aim is to provide women with the support they were missing in their mainstream life with their partner. Women who come to us are seeking companionship (without the competition of boy's nights). They want equal share of domestic duties, anticipation of their needs, and emotional support at all times, and sex on their terms.

*2 huge acres away

To join you have to take an emotional intelligence test (which you will probably pass because you are a woman). Usually cult followers don't know they are joining a cult but here at Vulvaria we are upfront because we believe in full disclosure. We will brainwash you and you'll never want to leave us. You'll cut off almost all contact with your partner unless you need them for sex or labor (we'll get to that).

We're women. We're Vulvarian. We're here for each other.

You want a shoulder to cry on when you've had a crappy day?
We won't try to problem solve when you cry, we'll just let you get it allllllllll out.
We will hold you until your breathing slows. When you stop we will make you a cup of tea and tuck you in bed and gently ask if there's anything else we can do. But you won't have many of those days. Why? Because women and harmony. We meet all your emotional needs with out any of the partner bullshit.

Those days you're feeling too sick to care for your sick kids - we've got your back. Consider fellow Vulvarians your sister wives (without the polygamy). We'll make you chicken soup, do the dishes and make sure you get a nap without you even having to ask. In fact, we've already loaded the dishwasher, cleaned the toilet and washed 5 loads of your laundry.

When the men are sick, guess what? You won't have to put up with their whining. What man flu? You won't hear about it. You won't hear about the weak headaches they call in sick for either. Why because there's 2 acres of separation.

 We are out of bounds to the men unless WE want the sex.
[ It should be noted that the "man-helicopter" is strictly prohibited on our property]

At Vulvaria if you're too tired for sex, don't have it. You feel too bloated for sex? Don't have it. No one is going to ask you for sex. It's just there when you want it. I repeat, no one will ever hassle you for it. EVER again. But you will feel desirable. When you do have sex with your man he will please you. Foreplay isn't a request it's a f*cking guarentee. He will tell you you're beautiful and sexy without needing to be reminded. If he doesn't it won't even matter because we will tell you that every f*cking day anyway and we will mean it.

When we can't be bothered we may request a man: 

  • Killing Bugs
  • Setting up our computers
  • Daddy daycare
  • TV Programming
  • Building some shit
  • Taking out the bins
  • Making cocktails

So what are you waiting for? Join our utopian dream today. If you aren't satisfied within 60 days too bad and good luck trying to leave. Did you miss our full disclosure at the top?

C U L T !

#cultlife #livinginabubble #wearefamily #noonewillloveyoulikewedo #sexualfulfillment #useallyoursavings #Vulvaria

*Linked up with Essentially Jess for IBOT