Tuesday, December 1, 2015

The Grand Opening Of The Vulvarian Cult

The following post is completely tongue in cheek. You've been warned so calm yourself. It's full of what could be construed as misandry (reverse misogyny). But really, PKM loves men. This brochure of sorts came about from a drunken girls night, where we jokingly discussed how we could take care of each other better if we all just lived together and just used our men for sex. Admittedly a ridiculous cult. You can blame my friend Mia. Or thank her.

Welcome to our beautiful commune, Vulvaria. We have a wonderful property set on 10 acres of lush wilderness, perched on the edge of lake Femme. We are a women only community but men do reside on the property (*at a reasonable distance). Our aim is to provide women with the support they were missing in their mainstream life with their partner. Women who come to us are seeking companionship (without the competition of boy's nights). They want equal share of domestic duties, anticipation of their needs, and emotional support at all times, and sex on their terms.

*2 huge acres away

To join you have to take an emotional intelligence test (which you will probably pass because you are a woman). Usually cult followers don't know they are joining a cult but here at Vulvaria we are upfront because we believe in full disclosure. We will brainwash you and you'll never want to leave us. You'll cut off almost all contact with your partner unless you need them for sex or labor (we'll get to that).

We're women. We're Vulvarian. We're here for each other.

You want a shoulder to cry on when you've had a crappy day?
We won't try to problem solve when you cry, we'll just let you get it allllllllll out.
We will hold you until your breathing slows. When you stop we will make you a cup of tea and tuck you in bed and gently ask if there's anything else we can do. But you won't have many of those days. Why? Because women and harmony. We meet all your emotional needs with out any of the partner bullshit.

Those days you're feeling too sick to care for your sick kids - we've got your back. Consider fellow Vulvarians your sister wives (without the polygamy). We'll make you chicken soup, do the dishes and make sure you get a nap without you even having to ask. In fact, we've already loaded the dishwasher, cleaned the toilet and washed 5 loads of your laundry.

When the men are sick, guess what? You won't have to put up with their whining. What man flu? You won't hear about it. You won't hear about the weak headaches they call in sick for either. Why because there's 2 acres of separation.

 We are out of bounds to the men unless WE want the sex.
[ It should be noted that the "man-helicopter" is strictly prohibited on our property]

At Vulvaria if you're too tired for sex, don't have it. You feel too bloated for sex? Don't have it. No one is going to ask you for sex. It's just there when you want it. I repeat, no one will ever hassle you for it. EVER again. But you will feel desirable. When you do have sex with your man he will please you. Foreplay isn't a request it's a f*cking guarentee. He will tell you you're beautiful and sexy without needing to be reminded. If he doesn't it won't even matter because we will tell you that every f*cking day anyway and we will mean it.

When we can't be bothered we may request a man: 

  • Killing Bugs
  • Setting up our computers
  • Daddy daycare
  • TV Programming
  • Building some shit
  • Taking out the bins
  • Making cocktails

So what are you waiting for? Join our utopian dream today. If you aren't satisfied within 60 days too bad and good luck trying to leave. Did you miss our full disclosure at the top?

C U L T !

#cultlife #livinginabubble #wearefamily #noonewillloveyoulikewedo #sexualfulfillment #useallyoursavings #Vulvaria

*Linked up with Essentially Jess for IBOT

No comments:

Post a Comment