Monday, September 19, 2016

Morning Sickness and Other People's Poop

This is a real photo of nausea caused by Fajitas, The Fetus that I sent to my husband at work.

The greatest enemy to a sick, pregnant woman is other people's poop. It's the most frequent and common foul smell that she will come across. How do I know this? Because I have become an expert on poop smell avoidance. I'm like a crap- ninja - taking no shit from anyone. I'm like a dung warrior whose weapons are lit matches, air freshener, and a fuck-load of Glen 20.

I wasn't always this stealth or incredible at my chocolate banana-jumping and ass-butter evasion techniques. No, I've had my many lows. However, 4 months of insane morning sickness has taught me a thing or two. It's taught me that family will be in my worst enemy when it comes to dropping it like it's hot.

I kid you not, this shade of OPI nail polish is the
exact same colour as my stomach bile.
The first time I stupidly went in unarmed to change my son's poopy nappy there were cries of "Mummy, please don't puke on me." I dry heaved relentlessly, and swallowed hard. I couldn't make promises to my toddler because I could barely speak.
The next time he had a nappy of butt mud he cried "I so sorry mummy. I not make you puke mummy. I so sorry!" It's an unsaid rule now in our house that if Daddy is home then he is the official ca-ca cleaner.

But what happens when Daddy is the cause of the googe stink? With one toilet to share we face this conundrum on an almost daily basis. His body has a knack for knowing when I'm at my most nauseous. Either I have to try and get there first or think of his lingering air floaties as a blessing that will help me bring up all my stomach contents with a lot less effort. A good toilet stain also goes a long way in shortening the dry-heaving process and coming up with the goods. Usually I just hope the sulphur from the matches he lit and the hipster air- fragrance from the "Unicorn Marshmallow Musk" bottle will be enough to stop me.

Speaking of shit-stains: we also now have another rule. Or I do. The toilet seat and ceramic rim must be left in sparkling condition for the entirety of my pregnancy or the length of my morning sickness. (During my first pregnancy the later matched the first). It doesn't matter too much because I've become so good at this puking business that I have a technique for keeping my hands and arms reasonably germ free. I hold on to my son's step stool instead of the toilet rim and this works a charm.

My in-laws won't escape from my monkey-flinging word throwing. They're just as bad. On Father's day I raced my son the toilet for a pee. I was bitch slapped in the face by the lingering smell of a half-flushed dookie and left crying out to my husband to come help me in the bathroom. Again I dry heaved like the world was falling out of me.

Last weekend I was at a blogger's conference of over 500 people. Mostly women. You can imagine the stink those women created, especially at the rate of eating being done. 3 meals a day and 2 snack times, (not to mention the alcohol consumed). I waited my turn in line and Russian rouletted myself into a stall with fresh mank stank. I fled as quickly as I'd gone in. RETREAT!! I called out to the next woman in line that I had morning sickness and couldn't use that stall. I waited again and this time came up lucky. I should have had a car air-freshner wrapped around my head for that public toilet moment.

A real photo of me, trying to keep it down!

In corn-clusion; Where possible - be armed and ready. The other day I wrapped a long sleeved shirt around my face to change my son's nappy. Yesterday I even pulled my t-shirt up over my face when I had to use our loo after my husband. See, I have become a crap-ninja, a dung warrior. Granted, it helps that my morning sickness isn't nearly as bad as it was but also that I'm taking a stupidly expensive medication every day to help prevent The Vom too, (it's the same medication they give chemo patients). Things are looking up for Peachy.

(By the way there is such thing as a The Poop Thesaurus. I just learned about it writing this post. You're welcome).

POSTSCRIPT: I guess this post is also my pregnancy announcement for my blog readers. HEY! Here's the official announcement video for baby number 2. (Affectionately nicknamed Fajitas the Fetus). My mother in-law's reaction is the highlight so don't miss that bit! 

*Linked up with Kylie Pyrtell for I Blog on Tuesdays

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